Experiences of a meditation retreat.
One of our most memorable and impactive experiences so far has been spending 2 days at a Buddhist meditation centre in Chiang Mai. While we did this together, we had very different experiences and so hope you enjoy hearing from both of us in this post.
Ben – I’ve always had a fascination with Buddhism and its principles, and have experimented with small amounts of self-taught meditation practice. For me the two were effectively separate, I have appreciated the moral and ethical lessons that can be learned from Buddhism, and have seen meditation as a way to gain more control and awareness of my mind, whether for focus or to calm it. Arriving in South East Asia where Buddhism is widespread, my interest has had an opportunity to flourish as I see the application of Buddhism to society (whether or not in accordance with real Buddhist intentions or more with historic political influences). Flying into Chiang Mai I read that it was a great place to study Buddhism and meditation. Many places offered a 6 or 10 day introduction, but I felt that 6 days of silence, separation from Ness and no meals after midday would kill both of us, so found the ‘monk chat’ programme run at the Chiang Mai Buddhist University Meditation Centre, featuring a 2 day / 1 night programme. With Ness’ hesitant support I signed us up!
Ness – They say that meditation is a very powerful and spiritual experience, so when Ben suggested a 2 day retreat I thought it’s not really my thing, but would give it a go. Ben introduced me to a couple of self taught 10 minute meditation sessions on honeymoon in Santorini, but that was the extent of my very limited experience. I arrived at the temple Wat Suan Dok just after midday with an open mind and no idea what to expect.
Ben – We arrived, paid our subsistence funds and purchased the necessary white loose fitting clothing that we had to wear, before taking a seat in a classroom. Our teacher introduced himself as Phra Sone (Phra being the title of a monk). He was instantly engaging and charismatic, at only 24 years old he had both a deeply calm wisdom and a vibrant personality, with a great sense of humour. While the content of his lesson wasn’t new to me, it was really interesting to hear him add depth and reality to the theory about which I’d read.
Ness – Our retreat consisted of 9 tourists in total, while everyone was collating waiting for the course to commence we chatted to a couple of 15 year old monks who were practising their English, using Google translate on their smartphones which appeared out of nowhere from carefully folded pockets in their robes. A PowerPoint presentation on an introduction to Buddhism and meditation followed, before we all piled into a Songthaew for one of the most unsafe drives I think I have ever experienced. Not due to the driving, rather the vehicle of choice, imagine a roofed pick up truck with an open hole at the back, with benches installed and no seatbelts, hurtling at 70mph on a 3 lane motorway. We were all tightly squeezed into the back making a lot of noise as we all got to know each other for the 45 minute journey to the mediation centre.
Upon arrival it was time to change into our compulsory white clothing, have a hot drink and get ready for the days ahead. The loud jovial atmosphere was quickly transformed into a tranquil and peaceful space once we sat on cushions on the floor facing Phra Sone. From this point on we were to be in silence the whole time, this included no non-verbal communication. The aim being so you can wholly focus your mind on yourself, without any external distractions. We practised sitting meditation for 20 minutes, which I found incredibly painful on my back and lower legs, and I found it tedious. It’s fine, I thought to myself, it’s the first one and it will be better next time.
Ben – Our first meditation session started with some instruction. While the meaning of mindfulness and the practical purposes of meditation were evident to many people with varying previous experience, it was a shame for Ness that it wasn’t explained more fully as it turns out she may not have really known what she was trying to achieve. The type of meditation we would be practicing involved thinking solely about your breathing, not allowing your mind to wander onto anything else, not even the sounds and sensations around you. We entered our first meditation, and as expected it was hard. It hurt my hips and my back, but for this first session the hardest part was focusing my mind. This was the mental warm up, and my brain was completely in the ‘monkey mind’ mode that Phra Sone so beautifully explained, flitting from thought to thought. This was expected, and just highlighted to me why we were here, to learn to control our own minds, to develop our ability to focus and think clearly.
Ness – Dinner was a whole new experience, we were to sit in silence in a long line facing the wall, with 2 or 3 free seats between us to ensure no communication and to allow us to truly focus on ‘mindfully’ eating. The thing that struck with me the most was the ‘contemplation of food’ which we all read aloud together before eating (finally I can use my voice!). It spoke about eating to nourish and feed our bodies, not for gluttony, fashion, or pleasure. Being someone that loves to eat it was a healthy reminder that food is fuel and not a treat.
Ben – the food was great! I was expecting really basic food and in small quantities, but it was lovely and endless. I was normally still there eating 10 mins after everyone else had left.
Ness – It was quite clear early on that our course was divided into 2 types of people, half of them seemed to be truly immersed into the experience and in my opinion were “owning it” (Ben fits in with these people), they had found their ‘Zen’ and were meditating left, right and centre, as during any free time after meals or during breaks we were expected to self-practice meditation. The other 4 were not very disciplined at all, when they weren’t having loud conversations in the communal areas they were basically playing charades to communicate, and then moving constantly in the group meditation practices. I sat somewhere in the middle, I was quiet and respectful of everyone else’s experience and the culture of where we were, but there was no way I was going to voluntarily put myself in a state of boredom and pain in my free time after dinner. A little nap on the sofa was perfect for me!
Ben – I learned to love the silence. I wouldn’t wish it for a longer time, and I had expected to dislike it as my greatest passion is engaging with people, but I found such clarity in being forced to focus purely on the here and now, purely on my own thoughts and what I was doing. By removing conversation, you remove distractions, and the tendancy to discuss where you have been and where you are going (a particular feature of backpackers). To be mindful is to be aware of your own thoughts and situation in that moment (amongst other things) and the silence brought that into much clearer focus. Removing others and removing phones means that there was no ability to plan or organise, no ‘to-do-list’, you could just be.
Ness – To my huge relief we didn’t spend the whole time sitting, we learned walking meditation which I found a lot easier and was able to fully commit to, as you are constantly moving and there are many things you can focus on… the feeling of the floor on your feet, the temperature of the air and the tiles, the muscles moving to pick up and place your foot, etc… However walking practice was soon over and it was time to sit one more time before bed. We had the head monk join us who had set up the whole centre and has many many community projects to help those in poverty, so I felt I had to really try hard this time to not disrespect his retreat. As I sat there all I could think of was the pain and then “oh god when will this stop!” I don’t think I managed to focus on the air going in and out of my nose for more than 10 seconds at a time. I sat there and got thoroughly wound up and frustrated to the point I just wanted to cry. I was thinking this is supposed to apparently be amazing but it’s just crap! Why do people voluntarily do this, let alone pay to do it! Ben saw I was struggling and broke the rules to quietly ask if I was okay and to remind me that we can leave at any time. There was no way we were leaving, I was still open minded that although it doesn’t seem my thing, I am very capable to respectfully participate and complete the retreat. We went to bed at 2130 for a sweaty nights sleep as it was our first night without air con, also our first night sleeping apart since we set out on our travels 7 weeks ago.
Ben – By the second session, my mind was settling and I was able to take more control of it, with much longer periods of focus. My mind would still dart off at times, but it was less often and I was quicker to recognise it and draw myself back. The physical pain did grow though; I am not used to sitting cross-legged and am not flexible, so my hip flexors were having to work hard to hold me upright, and although I think of myself as someone with normally good posture, it felt like I was being stabbed in my mid-back. We were taught to recognise the pain, accept it as something of the body but not of the mind, then return to our focus. We were to use it as an opportunity to practice our mindfulness. Phra Sone explained ‘first a little pain comes, and it is like your primary school teacher visits, so you welcome him. Then later more pain, and it is like your high school teacher, so you welcome him with kindness, then later a lot of pain comes, this is your university professor, he is a great teacher so you must welcome him the most’. Easier said than done! Nonetheless, it was indeed good training for mind and body.
Ness – The night dragged and amazingly I was very thankful to hear the bell ringing at 5am to wake us up for the day.
Ben – I was showered and in bed before my roommate got into the room, and I was fast asleep long before he turned the lights out. I woke occasionally in the heat without air con, but at 0455 I woke naturally, feeling deeply refreshed and with a peaceful mind. I looked at the ceiling and focused my mind, waiting for the bell to ring to call us to meditation and morning chanting.
Ben – I have heard monks chanting in many places around SE Asia, and found it odd as having been in many a Christian church service I associated that sort of sound with prayer (think of a congregation reciting the Lord’s Prayer). I thought that prayer was not in keeping with Buddhist belief that there is no god. I was interested to learn that this chanting is not a prayer, rather reciting stories and principles, passing the Buddhist history on through generations, and wishing well upon all people and all religions. It warmed me to see that their chanting explicitly wished peace on people of all religions (sadly not a sentiment shared everywhere, not even by many Myanmese Buddhists against the Muslim Rohingya). It amused me to see one of the younger monks clearly fall asleep….still only human!
Ness – Morning chanting and an hour of meditation ensued before we joined the monks on their morning walk around the village to accept offerings of food from the local people. As monks are not allowed to cook or to possess or use money, this is the only way they can get food. We observed a line of monks in their saffron robes walking silently and barefoot down the road into the village. Someone with a bell had gone ahead to give the villagers notice, so we came across people outside their houses who wished to donate food to the monks. The monks would give them a blessing of sorts (wishing them health and happiness), and it was an opportunity for the villagers to speak to the monks, or maybe arrange to meet to discuss their problems in depth. Most of us purchased something from a shop which we offered to our kind teachers. For me this was one of the highlights of the retreat as we were able to see true Thai culture in its purest environment.
Ben – We spent the morning practicing what we had learned, sometimes off in our own space, sometimes gathered together. While still excruciatingly painful and far from easy, I began to find that time went faster, that I would go for longer periods with a clearly focused mind. In a 30 minute session my mind might only wander once or twice. While my body (mostly my back) screamed for the sessions to stop, my mind craved more and more. I began to get a real feel for the idea of being ‘in the moment’, not in the way that a meme with an exciting picture might suggest, but rather being able to pay true attention to the matter at hand, whether my breathing, the sensations of the ground on my feet as I walked, the feeling of food in my mouth, or the air passing my skin as I walked. I could see how this higher level of awareness could unlock so much.
Ness – For the rest of the day I made sure to commit fully and use the time to meditate, mainly walking to not go insane. During this time the 4 useless members decided to amble around, going in and out of their rooms, and taking videos. Just before lunch we did “laying down meditation”, finally a meditation I can get on board with! I have to admit that I don’t think I managed to focus on my breathing for more than 2 minutes before shamefully falling asleep. However I was definitely not the only one as a gentleman’s snore abruptly woke me up 10 minutes later!
Ben – After a wonderful lunch, we had a couple of short meditation sessions where we were shown some alternative mindfulness meditations to do. One involved repetitive hand movements touching different body parts, and for another we were so kindly gifted rosary beads and taught to focus on counting them by touch.
Ben – The silence ended, and after a presentation on some of the incredible community projects being run by the monks from this centre, we had a question and answer session. This began with questions around meditation, for example at what age children could be introduced to the benefits of it. The monks explains that children could be introduced at a very young age, as soon as they could understand what they were being guided to do, children could be asked to focus on simple tasks, similar to the hand movements or bead counting we did earlier. We asked what it was like to become a monk at age 11, and were told that his family asked him to do it for a few months (it is a matter of family honour in Thailand that all men serve at least a few months as a monk), and that he found it was where he wanted to be. After his teenage years as a ‘cute baby monk’ he was ordained aged 20. Freed from many societal requirements and routines, monks have more time to study than most of the population, and so are generally far more educated. Phra Sone has a Masters degree and is working towards his PhD. I think I read that the monk who established this centre and taught us for short times has multiple doctorates. I asked as tactfully as possible whether it was an ethical dilemma for someone with multiple degrees who had the capacity to earn a lot of money should they choose, to be taking food offerings from the poorest in society, especially when not all monks do the same incredible community work that this group does. The answer I received was that people make offerings by choice, that no pressure is put on them and that they do it to earn ‘merit’ towards good karma, to improve their prospects for reincarnation. The final question was from our friend Gauri, who had been in several lengthy and very strict meditation retreats before. Seeing these monks so deeply calm and composed, utterly at peace, she asked whether they ever get stressed. Phra Sone answered that ‘we are human, of course we feel stress’. He explained that although they choose this path and work to calm their minds, nothing can separate them from the realities of the human condition. ‘your questions make me feel stressed’ he answered with a kind smile.
Ness – The retreat was drawing to a close, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! We were finally able to talk while another sketchy ride in the red truck took us back to the city. Reflecting on our experiences I was the only one to openly admit that I will likely not do a meditation retreat again. There are many aspects I enjoyed and valued and am very glad for the experience and the opportunity to be immersed in Buddhist culture, however the actual sitting down and meditating is just not for me, as much as I wish that it was.
Ben – I found it to be a great experience. I was pleased that it ended when it did, as I was relieved to hold Ness and talk to her again, and to end the pain. I would eagerly return for a longer course having become more used to sitting cross-legged (those on the course who regularly sit cross-legged in normal life found it far physically easier). The progression from this course is to do a 10 day course, where you begin with the simple mindfulness we practiced, and progress to vipassana where you can begin to use your new focus to gain insight. While I love the idea of this, I must also remember what matters most to me in life, and that is Ness. To be voluntarily apart from her, unable to communicate with her for 10 days, would give me far more upset than peace.
Ness – I left the course feeling no different to how I joined, I had not experienced an epiphany or great awakening. I don’t regret my days spent there, I am very fortunate to have been in the position to learn from Buddhist monks who have opened their arms to teach foreigners, however focused meditation will not become a part of my daily life.
Ben – I would not consider the 2 days as transformative, but they were significant for me. I learned a lot, mostly realising the value I place on certain things, and the benefits of a clear mind. I have continuinued to practice meditation and hope that I carry that on, whether by making time as I have done when I wake up, or by getting my rosary beads out while on a long journey as I did yesterday. I can see that 2 days isn’t transformative in itself, but for me it could be if I carry it on.
Addition 27/08/19 – this retreat prompted a lot of conversation between us, what if any significance does it have that we either liked or disliked the experience, is there a right or wrong (we don’t think so), what would be people’s most common feelings… Is silence blessing or a curse? Since publishing this post we have had people share their thoughts, and have really enjoyed discussing it, so if you have any thoughts or reflections after reading this then please comment on social media or this site, or message us if you know us personally, we’re keen to hear!
Many images here are courtesy of the Monk Chat programme.
To read more about the program, you can find their website here.
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